please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
