What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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