Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
