Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
