last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
