so that wasnt chicken after all
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
