Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
