I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize