Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
it's great music for shaving your balls
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
