I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
