i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
