I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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