just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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