How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize