I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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