I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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