I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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