I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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