direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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