if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
