Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
