Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
