Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
