I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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