Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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