Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize