The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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