So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
