Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize