Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize