Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
