If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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