I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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