she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
