I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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