rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
