I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
