Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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