Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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