I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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