I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
