soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
