living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
