i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
