If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
