Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
