my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
