Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
