Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
