There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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