I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
