I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
