he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
