with your own penis?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
