Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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