I'm so fucking centered right now
The maid of honor just puked.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
