dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize