i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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