oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
