Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
