hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
