you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
