Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
whose ass print is on the piano?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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