So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
