I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
