i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
