My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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